I have been thinking all day today about my life so far in its vast shortness.  Not only do I have many regrets, embarrassments, accomplishments, joys, sorrows and big bunches of NOTHING.  I have someone who i honestly never thought I would be.  If i talked to a teenage me and told her that this is what your life is going to be at the tender age of twenty three I would have probably spat out a drink in her face laughing so hard.  I never thought that I would roll over next to someone, let a lone have to drag myself from that bed each morning to care for two children who I ACTUALLY gave birth to.  It’s amazing to me, dumbfounding, and down right unexplainable.  But here I am.  A mother.  A mother to two boys at that lol.  
You want to know what I wanted to be doing at this age RIGHT NOW??!  I wanted to have a loft somewhere rural, really deep into the city life.  I wanted to travel the world and experience everything that was unnatural to me.  Now?!! I hide from that sort of thing, isn’t that sad??  It makes me sad.  I wanted to be acting big shot small shot i didn’t care i wanted to be on stage.  I loved it.  I bathed in it.  Thinking about how amazing i felt when i did those things honestly brings tears to my eyes.  Those times are so precious to me no matter how trivial they have have seemed.  I miss it.  Desperately.  
Does thinking this make me a horrible person?? Horrible mother??  Its not that I am saying I have LESS than what i wanted its just DIFFERENT from what i wanted.  I just seem to dwell and I would hate to push my lost “day-dreams” onto my kids.  I would much rather instill a sense of YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!  Cause you honestly can if you put the work into to and are willing to wait on the long scale.  I guess i kinda just answered my question, my doubt.  I just have to wait, just cause i didn’t, doesn’t mean i can’t, right? 
I hope so.   
me at 18… *fox whistle* I have even hotter ones than this… but i digress.
me now… eeww… but i do have some nice pictures of current me!
see its alright 😀
I wont even get started on said body issues at this point.

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9 Comments

  1. I’m right there with you as far as being in a completely different place than I thought I’d be growing up – for the most part. I thought I’d be a mother by this point (at 35), but I thought I’d have more kids, have a college degree, be better off financially, have more time to spend with my kids, and not have to work to make ends meet (those are the tings I can think of right off the bat). I definitely have issues as far as my weight is concerned too – but that’s a whole other thing. Although things aren’t what I thought back when I was 14 – 20 years old, I’m trying to focus on the great things that I do have at this point and how to improve the things I wish were different. I probably share my “what ifs” with my kids sometimes, but normally I do try to let them know that they can do anything they set their minds to. I think it’s helping to instill that now too since I’m going back to college. They’re rooting for me to succeed (they’re older than your kids) and I’m proud they can see me accomplish my dreams – at least some of the dreams.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing that :D! I hate the “what ifs” in life some days…

  3. I am with you sweetie. Though I am not as YOUNG as you are (I am an old fart), I feel like what I wanted to be and what I turned out to be are very different. I do feel sad too sometimes but I choose not to dwell on it and just count my blessings. I know it sounds cliche but it does work for me. I am waaaaay older than you and at this age, I’ve learned to just accept things and go with the flow… And I do find myself happy most of the times. 🙂

    Anyway, YOU ARE EFFIN’ GORGEOUS! Then and Now! Don’t be too hard on yourself!

  4. You might not be where teen you thought you’d be, but you’re right where you should be. That sounds much more profound than it actually is. 😛 For me, being a dad reminds me that while it’s still great to long for that thing I did long before I had kids, I need to live and enjoy the moment. 🙂 And YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!

  5. Wow, I think that you have said that perfectly; though I am 34 not 23 things are very different than what I used to day dream about & honestly I am OK with that because in this case different is BETTER!!!

  6. Thanks a bunch everyone for your great pearls of wisdom; I really appreciate it :D.

  7. Awww Esch, you are an amazing person and definitely not a horrible mother. Someone reminded me that people change careers about 7 times in there life time. So, I agree, just because you didn’t doesn’t mean you can’t. You are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you.

    <3

  8. you’re cute!! I love that picture of you at 18! awesome! what was that for 🙂 You’re 23 and so awesome, LOL!!!

    You are so not a bad mother or a bad person. I definitely go through stages like that. There are times where I feel unsettled, where I think what I could have accomplished had we not accidentally gotten pregnant with our son..where would we be, yadda yadda…i would be america’s next top plus size model, LMAO!! anyway, i hear ya!! here’s to the next 23 years 🙂

  9. Thanks Rheanna! Those pictures were for moi lol all it was for was this guys portfolio (he was an ex-hairdresser) and i got paid in pot lol!!! aaahh good “ole” days!

    thanks Sarah! xoxox

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