Now, I am the mother of two healthy and gorgeous children. They are messy, extremely creative, and learn something new every day. Tantrums and hyperactivity get on my nerves at times, but I still feel sad at times that the little beans I lost to miscarriage – one at 10 weeks, the other at 13 weeks – are not with us as well, arguing over toys and not wanting to go to bed. Now that my children are getting bigger and are no longer babies, I find myself thinking about my miscarriages more often. What would those children have been like? Would they have looked just like their brother and sister?

Miscarriage is, unfortunately, extremely common. Around 20 percent of all confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. Despite that, it is not something most women think about when they first get pregnant. I know I didn’t. I faithfully used an ovulation calendar and ovulation predictor kits when we first decided to start trying to conceive. I got pregnant with my first baby on the second cycle, and because I knew my cycle well, I found out immediately.

Pregnancy signs – morning sickness, and really bad fatigue – turned up right away. I assumed that everything was going just fine. I called my family doctor, and he said that I could book in to see the midwife right away (we were living in England at the time). Just as I started to get excited about strollers and baby clothes, I got crampy and started bleeding. Immediately, I realized I was miscarrying. When I got to the ER, an ultrasound confirmed that the baby had no heartbeat and was small for its 10 weeks. The doctor told me that “the fetus” had probably stopped growing around eight weeks.

The second time around, miscarriage was already familiar to me. Once again, I started cramping and bleeding, and I knew another baby would be lost. My coping mechanism was to try and forget about the miscarriage, and to try again. Only I didn’t get pregnant again for a long time. I seriously started to think it was my fault, and now I was somehow being punished, and would never have children. I wondered what I did wrong, but the truth is that miscarriage can happen to anyone. It is weird to think that I could have a 10 year old now, but for some reason I think about it more often now.

Miscarriage is not a nice, sunny topic to discuss, and perhaps that is why it is rarely talked about at all – except on the internet, on discussion boards. A friend, who also had a miscarriage, recently decided to honor her baby, lost to miscarriage at 12 weeks, by giving the teddy bear she bought for her (because she is sure it was a girl) a prominent place in her home. I am not sure I would do something like that myself, but I think it is a beautiful gesture. There is no reason to forget the children who might have been, is there? And there is nothing wrong with honoring them.

Have you had a miscarriage? How did you cope in the immediate aftermath? Do you still think about it years later? If you have done something special to acknowledge the baby’s existence, what is it?

BIO:
At Trying to Conceive we are passionate about all topics related to the female body, trying to conceive, pregnancy, and birth. Everyone’s road to motherhood is different, and we all face our own obstacles. In this blog, we are trying to provide as much information on the topic of getting pregnant, and pregnancy as possible, to hopefully make the journey a bit more easy to navigate through, for everyone trying to conceive and those for whom making a baby didn’t turn out to be as simple as they hoped.

6 Comments

  1. I had a miscarriage at 21 weeks. It was devastating. I was depressed for a very long time. We also ttc again, but were not able to. I still wonder what my son would look like, or how he would act. I’m hoping someday soon, I will get to try again and carry a baby to term.

  2. I had no Idea how common miscarriage was until I lost My first baby, the strength I got from friends and family was overwhelming, so many women I knew have been through this, it helped me so much. I lost My baby the same week I found out I was pregnant, I’m guessing that I was about 6-8 weeks. It would seem that only knowing that I was pregnant for a few days would make it easier, but it didn’t the heart ache and tears still came. When I first found out I lost the baby I hid behind a strong exterior, its ok God Had bigger plans, the longer I hid the more it hurt. I finally broke down about 3 weeks later. I learned to except what had happened and Prayed a lot. God did give me a second chance about 6 month later, we now have a beautiful baby boy!

  3. There’s a history in my family of miscarriages and I just pray that when my sister decides to start having children she doesn’t face too many tough obstacles. I will pray for all those trying to conceive and those that are going through their pregnancy. Thank you for sharing this!

    Love,
    Katie

  4. my mom had a miscarriage 24 years ago. to this day she thinks about the little boy she would have had. my stepfather, who had witnessed the miscarriage didn’t take it very well and needed psychiatric treatment for a long time. It’s heartbreaking and I’m sorry any woman has to experience it.

  5. Thank you for blogging about this. It is an extremely difficult topic to discuss and knowing others are struggling with the same feelings is comforting. It was my second pregnancy (the 1st was successful!) and I was 5 weeks. I started bleeding and it just didn’t feel right despite the dr saying I would be OK. Long story short I ended up in the ER, a different dr discovered it was a tubal pregnancy and twins. He was able to save my life but not theirs; I had lost a lot of blood at this point. I tried to hide how i felt because truly only someone who has experienced it knows what happens physically, mentally and emotionally. Afterward I became obsessive about conceiving again thinking if it happened easily before then no problem. Well there will always be a problem since my tube was so badly damaged.
    It has been almost 6 years now and I think about them all the time. My son would be a great big brother. All i can tell myself is that it wasn’t meant to be.

  6. one of my really good friends just went through this and it is very sad that it is sooooo common! thanks for taking the time to share! she had no idea that so many other women go through the same! xoxo

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